I went to war with the devil and came out with wings.


July 2018 “my angel” Also my shadow.

Get ready for a life in hell..

 

jesus replied “you do not realize what Im doing but later you will understand.”

John 13.7

Well to put 8 years into a nutshell, I was madly in love with my soulmate, who agreed upon the soulmate thing but DID NOT DESERVE ME A SECOND OF THE 8 years. Especially after getting engaged and finding out 2 years later, dope. METH, was chosen over you and your kids. Took me 2 years to find out and when I had enough, FINALLY! I stood my ground and told him he had to go. Did I care it was 2am Christmas morning. NOT AT ALL, I did my “Santa” and stayed calm and consistent with let’s go, you GOT TO GO, I don’t want you here no more. He took 2 hrs to pack 🙄 He assumed it was my bipolar and in time I’ma change my mind. WELL, ya know what you get when you assume? An ass out of you and me, cause I was serious for once in our whole relationship. I was done.

Fast track a few months, I was still done but guess what I find out in march. IM PREGNANT! By who? The one and only person I had been with for the last 8years. I called him told him, his response was “I’ma call you back” and for a month did we not hear from him again UNTIL, he decided he wanted to come visit.

Now, before this day I had fully prepared for and to raise my baby as a single parent wether he was there or not because the bond and relationship was going to be different than our other 2kids EVEN THO ALL 3 WERE HIS. Now, here comes my newly enlightened empathy. And love I still had for him seeing him sooooo bad off. He said “I need rehab” RIGHT THERE I SHOULD HAVE JUMPED; But no I told him “you could do it if you actually listen to me” HAHA I was so naive. But we had a whole week of him sober and even took a family trip to New Orleans. THE HAPPIEST WE HAVE EVER BEEN.

APRIL 1, 2018

“april fools daye”

ANYWHOOO, thats same Sunday, He changed. He “heard some news AND HAD TO FIND OUT” I was physically trying to hold him back because WE WERE HAPPY, it shouldn’t have mattered. So he left, for 4 days. WENT TO MY EX BESTFRIENDS; dopehoe. The spawn of satan. AGAIN, little did i know at the time, the full extent of EVERYTHING UNTIL after some time. She had somehow made him completely forget who i was and EVERYTHING IN MY CHARACTER, PERSONA, everything opposite he then believed to be true.

Given my circumstances, I was calm.. TOOO CALM. It scared me, I AM NEVER THAT CALM. I never NOT react to things and i wasn’t. I walked that miscarriage off like I hit my big toe. Not healthy i know, but for the time being it was.

May-July 2018 was my literal time in hell.

Well we could all only dream…

The whole 9 years I was all about him. Even thru every unnecessary breakup-FUCKBOYbullshit. I proved my loyalty. I EARNED THE RESPECT, he wasnt giving me. It was when he wanted me to show him the house over facetime did i finally have enough. I BE FUCKING DAMNED IF I GO DO SOME HOEASS SHIT LIKE THAT, to prove to him anything. Fuck that. Well would ya know “i had someone here” 🙄 I WAS MISERABLE, I TOLD HIM PLEASE PUT A CAMERA IN THE ROOM, cause i dont go anywhere else in my house but my room; SO HE COULD WATCH ME DO NOTHING AND BE BORED. never happened, btw. BUTTTTT a secret camera was left recording one time he went to the store for 10 mins. (i had no clue) SOOOO IN 10 MINS; get ready yall, ima ninja and quick like… pshhh!

HE GETS BACK AND THEN PROCEEDS TO “PULL” OUT OF MY SON A FRIEND *name* and KINDA CAR- came over while he was gonee. MY SON WAS PUNISHED, he knows better than to lie; but what he didnt know better to do is , FEAR HIS FATHER AND SAY WHAT HE WANTED TO HEAR. That on top of 3 days of listening to literally NOTHING, BACKGROUD NOISE; the tv, me on the computer, the kids in the living room. SWEARING TO GOD HE HEARS ME WHISPERING TO THE PERSON TO BE QUIET ETC ETC. like WOAHHHHHHH! tooooooo fucking far.

Now he was calling me a liar and whatever else but ALSO making my son lie when he knew better and didn’t want to. FINALLY FOOT WENT DOWN, I kicked him out every chance I got tbh from that point on but would ya know one of us always gave in. I either missed him or yadayda. And back he was. It wasn’t until early July was I vulnerable to the devil. I have a Lord is my sherpards prayer ring I haven’t taken off since I gotten it in January 2018 by Danny dupris and daughter, Brittany. And a rosery, she had given me that HE POPPED in one of our fights. I was in aweee.

From then on, I was no longer guarded. I was exposed to where I met the devil and there was no way out. EVERY FEELING HIT ME, everything got to me. I WAS STARTING TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF, which the damage was done but NOT TOWARDS MY KIDS. I HAD TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO LITERALLY LIVE 4 people’s lives, 3 in which I had to keep alive and protected. HE WAS A MONSTER! Nothing like I had ever seen before. Now heres a footnote, he has mental illness that was never treated but fueled by meth. SO I WASNT STRAIGHT RETARDED THE WHOLE TIME. but even then it got scary.

THE POINT OF NO RETURN

The end of my love

Now I’m sure reading all this your like it wasn’t that bad, but just to give the vibe for months, IMAGINE YOU LIVED with the guy from Split – the movie. And there was just Kevin and there was the beast. Literally only the two. And mind you me and my kids had us and my kids had my grandparents up front but me, it was just me. ALONE. Scared no one would believe me or stuck with the shame of it getting as far as it did. ALSO NEVER WANTING A NOTIFICATION ON MY PHONE TO GO OFF, cause who knows what he would have thought and AHHHH THE ANXIETY EXPLAINING NOW!

In August blayden started school and that was hell enough for me. I WASNT PREPARED FOR ANYTHING. My brain/body hit reset liek 2 weeks before that AFTER FINDING A “Hit list” of things to do in order to get revenge on me?!? WRITTEN BY MY EXBESTFRIEND, remember from the beginning. And I mean; “get the kids from me, get me out my house, him off child support, ruin me, watch me eat it and suffer.” THESE ARE QUOTES NOT EXAGGERATIONS. 5 of the 8 things happened or close too. MY BRAIN WAS QUIET FOR 2DAYS, idk bout anyone else but when that happened I WAS TERRIFID MORE THAN ANYTHING. My brain “broken” I cried. THEY MAKE MEDICINE THAT DOESNT EVEN DO THAT. I had not a thought. Then for the next week it’s like my whole body had to reboot. I mean 3 days of me trying to focus my eyes on something and it taking all that time to finally get it back. I felt supper fucked up when I was sober. When I spoke to my Best friend, she said she couldn’t make out what I was trying to say or anything AND I DON’T BLAME HER; I couldn’t make sense in my head of wtf so me trying to speak it.

That’s when everything turned physical. In a months time, I got knocked out and my daughter thought I was dead as he walked out after. Choked and thrown around like a rag doll. my nose broken, ALL IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER! Now I am not perfect I did hit back, I actually am the one who hit first, blacked his eye. But NEVER IN FRONT OF THE KIDS and also, I couldn’t hodm it back anymore. Think mentos in Coke.THAT CRUCIAL. I was holding it back and in.i didn’t want to hit him but tbh bad no other idea or choice.


So as I’m finally getting my brain back(somewhat) he’s settling down with himself and ME, It’s open mic night at the Apollo for all those “feelings” I thought I was just shrugging off like the solider I am. AND BAM like a tone of bricks, suicide.. MY BIGGEST ISSUE, the devil played his last move. And I did what I should have being a “verteran” at suicide.😒 I reached out for help to not act on it. For 2 days begged and cried until I got pissed off at and choked in front of the kids while doing 80 in the car. The next morning attempted AGAIN to get comfort a little and got pushed right to it. 20 latuda…

Not the end just yet

Needless to say, my purpose was made clear on my 4th suicide attempt that God has bigger plans for me cause I can’t even get to tap out when I want. (Little joke to lighten the mood guys)

I’ll do a small post on October-January later it’s not much.


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