Maybe I was living in some fairytale delusion of my making. Who knows? I don’t, and may never, have the privilege of knowing how he ever truly felt. In some ways I guess it doesn’t matter.
I have fallen far. Very far. I was in an amazing place, and then some big things brought me down. They were things I did my best to handle well, but they slowly chipped away at me.
One of those situations was being locked up in my room for up to 6 months for any sense of peace. I had no freedom, no balance, no energy. It was one of the worst times in my life—until now.
He was my only true support during those times. He was everything to me, and I treated him as such. I focused so much on him and my love for him that I lost what was left of myself.
In hindsight, I can see that I clung to him to avoid my own pain.
So I was already lost when he left. He was just my last thread of hope. While we were together I remember thinking, in some deep unconscious place where we can’t go until we’ve lost it all, that as long as I had him in my life I could get through anything.
The truth is that I lost myself long before he left me. That’s probably partly why he did. Or maybe it really was all because he was lost and completely disconnected from his emotions.
Well now that he’s gone I’m not getting through. I’m laying in molasses waiting for someone to pull me out, and deep down I know it’s him I want to be dripping sticky with me.
It’s not fair for anyone to be responsible for pulling another out of anything. I know very well we can’t save one another. But I have always been a loyal person, someone who can’t fathom leaving without trying, someone who has always valued being there. And I believed he would always be there, on the sidelines ready to hose me down once I pulled myself out.
In that time, when I was losing myself, I wasn’t really aware of what was happening to me. Back then, if you asked me, I would have laughed at the idea of being lost or low. I was so consumed with surviving that my lowness wasn’t a priority.
What I really needed was my partner to take my hand, look me in the eye and say, “My love, you have lost your way, and I will be here for you while you find it.” I know I deserve that. We all do.
But that was not what happened to me, and now I am lost and looking for myself in the darkness. I was already low, and now I am gone, and I am the only person who can get myself out of here. I feel like I’m stuck in some weird alternate reality. I am no where to be found, but I know I used to be here somewhere.
My mind is smart. It tells me all of the things I need to hear. But my body feels defeated. It feels weak and heavy and oh so sad.
I am weak. The last time I saw him he told me I was the strongest person he knows. But I’m not really strong. I have pretended to be strong all my life because I was afraid of being weak. But now I am weak because I have no strength to pretend.
So I need it to be ok that I am weak. I need to accept that right now I am the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life, so raw and open that this kind of vulnerability has been imperceivable to me. I know, somewhere in this body and mind of mine, that through this weakness I will find true strength.