Torture and surviving

What is torture and it’s purpose?

Any act that causes severe pain and or suffering. Torture can be physical or mental. Its intentionally done with the purpose of getting information. punishment. intimidation. and coercing,

In any situation torture is used is discrimination on any level

Torture is an instrument of power used to break down and devastate the person speaking against, fighting or standing up to abuser. Its the most effective tool used and is only used for power and control. Situations ranging from domestic violence to the government.

While torutre is usually used to gain information; its not its m,ain purpose. Torture is directed towards instilling and enforcing a sense of powerlessness and terror top the victim and/or sociaty. The process generates a situation designed to destroy physical AND psychological capabilities of survivors to function in viable situations.

2018 was my first year in hell. My ex of 9 years tortured me. I never refered that to torture before today. I called him a terrorist and i was at war. But never torture. Refer to i went to war with ther devil and came out with wings blog for the enitre store. From april 1, 2018- January 13, 2019. I was gaslit so many time over so many things (and also not well versed in narcissism yet) pretty much IT WAS ONE BIG GASLIGHT filled with a lot more. Only other way to describe it is. Soul rape. YES i hope that hurt. IT HURT to say it in therapy for the first time years ago. Still hurts to think those words. He was trying to kill me, I found the “hit list’ for me. 7-9 things listed to destroy me and make me suffer. Written by an ex best friend of mine.

Anguish squeezing in you chest

Cold as ice and heavy as a stone

Paralyzing as sleep

And dark as the abyss

Torture is

Desperate and fear

It’s not knowing how to trust

And having to learn again

How to live and to love

His not to be afraid or living

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Spiritual warfare ww3

A couple of days ago did the big picture come into effect but this blog is mostly to tell about the end of the year; D-day til currently but the real beginning was July 22, 2020 when Ben left a note in the mailbox. After that event after even was somewhat an attack after that. September 8, 2020 on the way to a dr appointment I got in a wreck right after the court house. My fault not paying full attention. After everything is said and done the cop was walking over and immediately told me he saw them so asked me not to lie. I had MY PRESCRIPTION klonapin (2) adderall (4) and 2 Xanax all in one bottle. Stupidity I never do that. I got my 3rd ticket of my life that day and went to jail. I stayed in there a month and a week til my bond reduction and they came get me out. WHILE IN THERE, I got served papers for temporary custody (I was fine with that we didn’t want Ben to get them) but the papers stated I was using drugs again since I got arrested apparently and I had already had my kids in danger. ⛔️ Ugh.. let me state now. Both are lies. But the one who stated that is my mother. I’m aware of the situation from that point on. OR SO I THOUGHT. Wait for it.

Okay so the paper work said there was 2 hearings and a court date. I was in jail for the two hearings. And made it to the court date. No one spoke to me or acknowledged me when I spoke. They extend the order til November 31? Which I had state my court date was December 3 if they wanted to extend it til then. No response. After court they’re lawyer (old close friend) says I’m done with court and now Ben needed to be served and his hearing. Now papers I was served there a specific page saying he wouldn’t hear about the hearings because he’s “dangerous, evades police ect.” Overall dangerous. At the time didn’t push anything because I didn’t want to lose all my custody. I had made it a plan to go to that court date but the one day I slept all day, literally. Was that day and my grandparents didn’t know to wake me up to go.

Fast forward November 13, 2020. D-day. 7am out of no where’s I got the bomb ben was given legal visitation and proceeded to explain how it will work. Now my spirit animal is a dragon but never thought I could breathe fire til that day. I went to an Acquaintances house he asked what was wrong he could tell, but I waved it off cause tbh i felt a ball of fire on my chest and whatever I said was going to be hot and he didn’t deserve that. (Well retrospect he did.) Two days later went back and he asked if I wanted to stay and chill. Now at this point mentally I wasn’t straight at all. Out of character and not wanting to be home around them I said yes and stayed. The kids spent the night at a friends that night and “Ben had a visitation the next day” but I assumed he wasn’t going to show like the Wednesday that week.

Me and Jacobs cousin went to bring the kids to my grandmas and he was already there. We came to my house to chill til it was done. (Somehow he’s able to break the restraining order for this) pay attention to all the ways I get fucked over in the legal area of all this. I had made clear not to allow him back to my house to my family. WELL, would you know he came knock on my door. 🤯😤 triggered more. That was November 15, 2020. In between then and November 19, one day after staying at jacobs all day come home to my door wide open. I know for a fact I locked it at 10am when I left. I assumed Ben. Triggered more. A day or two later me and Jacob walk in to a bronze pack Trojan condom in the kitchen by the coffee pot. All doors were locked this time. Triggered ONE MORE TIME.

Now the month of November I was such in a broken state mentally I was lost down my own road. (I felt like we were in another dimension) but that’s how much of a flip everything was. Also those two triggers I though was Ben. Not. They were gaslights. Let me finish painting the picture before I explain by who.

Before I start explaining the wreck let me put into perspective my mental state at the time and that day in general. The entire month of November (I have a medicine app) I slept and took my medicine 9 times the entire month. That morning was one of the mornings I was just waking up. I was sober and Jacob had just got to my house. We were leaving in separate vehicles me first cause I was stopping at the store to get a tea. I can in visualize it all still. But not a second in the car. Btw this is down my road I lived down 32 years. When I came to after the wreck I realized what happened. The only thing that was wrong after the wreck was the busted break line. Possible happened in the wreck. Told by multiple people. Buttt Jacob asked me way too eagerly if it was Ben. I never thought it was Ben. He wants me not to kill me. Now since more light has been shed.. and I hate assuming but that’s what ima do. With everything ima about to continue with added up. I think he busted it before he came into my house that morning. Can’t prove it so an assumption it is. Y’all tell once I get finished what you suspect?

My blazer stayed down til February. While even at the time I showed and expressed appreciation for being there for me me and his family got close. I felt safer there. He had went buy him his own car (on his own, I had nothing to do with that) but from November til Christmas Eve he was my best friend In my perspective. Christmas Eve which started with a misunderstanding on my part I own that snapped back on him with a voice recording and triggered him to show me his true colors. Narcissist 🤮 FULLY AWARE OF HIM TURNING VINDICTIVE, it was smarter to keep him as a friend than enemy if I was working on getting my custody back. And that I did until January 9 when I couldn’t take it anymore and cut it off in the middle of the most unnecessary gaslight. Like 2am. 7am he came to the door raging and saying he was going to burn the house down.

By the grace of god while he was gone the night before a good friend since high school from the neighborhood showed up and they were still there. After about 10-15 mins at the door he left. Now if my kids weren’t in the house and he wouldn’t have been acting how he was. The product he paid for THROUGH my account he could have had. I didn’t care about it but I wasn’t opening the door with my kids there cause I didn’t know what he was Capable of. When he left we all jumped in the truck and left. That’s when I heard the voicemail “idk who’s truck this is but ima kill all of y’all” (look at previous blog with all the screenshots for proof of all I say next)

From January 9 til currently this guy has made it his life I wonder how much he’s making🤭😭🤣 to threaten, intimidate, stalk, hack, harass ect. EVERYDAY. Now I didn’t notice the emails at first. But fake everything. Facebooks, numbers, emails, MY OWN emails. Everything was hacked and changed. I responded ONCE ever and that was February when he texted letting me know he knew my car was back mobile. Tbh I wanted to flash Katie on him but thought about it and responded hoping it would dissolve. Boy was I wrong. Not only did he start it off with a gaslight HE RAMPED IT UP a couple notches cause I cut it off right then and there.

We are in September now and I have over 400 screenshots from his messages and emails. That’s not even all of them that’s just some. I haven’t read most but enough. See reading them, his plan to “break my psyche” would have worked. They’re all gaslights in many shapes and forms. But also the truth about me no one ever speaks on. My solidarity as a friend. Im not about to go on about that cause I’m that solid I don’t and won’t need to.

February my Instagram got hacked and I had to make a new one and had a message on LÜM from a fake page from him. I screenshotted it blocked him and on all social media posted this.

I warned everyone from Facebook to LÜM

His messages range between “lost, fueled by meth severely manic, and vindictive” bouncing back and forth between its all my fault all the way to trying to convince me and whoever else I’m a narcissist. NOW remember I do this blog and fb page for a reason. Eduction on mental health and narcissistic abuse. Read the blog before this for verification. I never claimed that I never had a narcissistic side. I actually talk bout it quite often but IM NOT A NARCISSIST. Katie I healed years ago and has only been triggered since because of all this a couple times. No one but my grandparents and ex have really seen that side of me and the little Jacob did see 1 was controlled VERY WELL and also barely was much and he was scared. I said it last blog and I’ll say it again. Katie’s my solution to this problem.

Survival of the fittest ⭕️


I’m going to explain to you who katie is. First off the name it’s self came from and inside joke and naming my high manic state wether I’m angry or petty it’s my high manic/ narcissistic side. Naming it was also a inside side joke to start. Naming it is actually what helped me heal it. Since 2016 it’s been gone.


Katie is my survival instinct from being raised by 4 narcissist and being the scapegoat. At a very young age I was aware of the fact how I was treated was wrong and I never wanted to be like that. My bipolar and Katie didn’t manifest til I was 18 and between 18-27 when I was enraged “Katie” she was out of control and a psychopath but she was always triggered by something significant enough that unmediated and what not triggered by Ben a lot but he rightfully caused each one and ima keep it real it took two different occasions of this happening for the doctor to realize. Those two times I was trying to start taking my medicine (which you have to Wean your self on just like off and I didn’t know that) and on the second occasion different mental hospital the therapist caught on to me taking the full dosage and which overloaded my brain into mania but also triggered.

I had Blayden in 2013 and went through postpartum depression at the beginning and never wanted him 2015 Salem was born so them to ever see the monster I could be. I got complacent with my medication but by 2014 even tho medicated unaware of the subtly abuse I stayed depressed for a long time years. But from my knowledge once we moved to the trailer in 2017 a year after I healed my rage in rehab Katie only manifested once. Ben 6’2 200+ lbs reclined in the recliner I picked it up from the footing and flipped him but he caught himself. I’m 5”3’ 100lbs. But that’s her strength. I stayed in that same depression I never go out of til august 2017 when me and Ben got in a fight and I made him leave for the first time ever in our relationship. Christmas 2017 when I really broke up with him the first time. He thought it was my bipolar;it wasn’t.


Early 2018 is when I named her and she was gone. Dormit. Sleep. Healed. Idk whatever you want to call it. Even the entire year of abuse with Ben nothing. I even said at the time I was too calm it was scary either something was broken or it was going to be explosive 🧨


July 22, 2020 was the first time I had to fight Katie after being triggered by ben. Blind sided. All that day I fought her from manifesting out of fear of being out of control

Had t
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